WTF trans one

image from Open Your Eyes and Make a Wish


Sometimes i feel i’m a WTF trans person. I know there is a long list of different types of trans identities and processes and some people may find this confussing. Like...all that FTM, gender-variant, pre-op, androgynous, transexual, MTM, MTF, FTF, gender bender, post-op, no-op, trannyboy, genderfuck, genderqueer, transexual, transgender, and the list goes on and on. And even if some people may find this confusing and complicated, for me it’s just the sign that the way we live gender is much more complex and rich than A or B.
I’m a What The Fuck trans person, which means i’m angry, i’ve been angry for a while and i bet my bike (the most important thing i’ve got) that i’ll still be angry in the future. Anger is part of my identity. And stubborness.. Some people could swear how stubborn i am if you need it.

I’m angrily stubborn or stubbornly angry. Nobody will ever ever convince me that:
- there are only 2 genders.
- That i have to choose between A gender or B gender.
- Or that i have to go A B or B A
- Or that’s the only way to live in this society.

Why am i saying that? Because all those things have said to me at different moments both by straight cisgender people and trans folks. And in the same way that i won’t accept a straight cisgender person saying that to me, i won’t it either from a trans person. Exactly the same as there is not one way of being a man or a woman, there is not one way of transitioning. Behind the argument that there is only one way of transitioning, that does not include the possibility of not choosing between A or B, there is the concern about physical, mental and social health. I know this. I know the people who said that to me were concerned as how, as a genderqueer person, i was gonna be able to live in this society. To live outside the radical queer circles that create a safe space around me.

Bad or good news, it depends on how you see it: society is crap. Remember how your parents said to you don’t eat poo when you were little?. So do not eat it now. That’s one of the best pieces of advice your parents ever ever gave to you.

Bad or good news, it depends on how i see it: i’m not only a trans person. I’m an inmigrant, a queer, an anti-oppression organizer, a DIY kid and a quiet punk. I do zines and don’t want a 9-5 job. I ride bikes, drink beer on the roofs and listen to almost any kind of music. I think i lost my place in this society long time ago...and i have better things to do and learn than struggling to have it back. I will better put my energies in the building of alternatives that allow people to express themselves in the way they feel it.

When people say “society” i usually ask myself who the fuck is this society. Because we tend to talk about it in a very large and virtual way, which does not always represent reality. When talking about “society” we barely consider how “society” is different in different contexts and how differently we ocupy a place in it, depending on these contexts. I understand that when we talk about “society” we’re refering to normative and oppressive society. But then, i’m not living out of it. I’m living IN it, that’s why i’m living oppressions. And that’s also why i’m living privileges (like being white western educated middle-class abled-body). I understand that when we say about someone that they’re not living in society, we really mean, they’re not following the rules.

As a queer WTF inmigrant trans person, i don’t aim to follow normative society rules, but to fight for change, to create possibilities, and in not such a long time, to destroy-bomb-explode-and-biochemically-infect all oppressions systems. Like the fucking binary gender compulsory cisgender heteronormativity natural sex complementarity one.
As a WTF trans person, i support trans people having their sex case changed on papers while i keep on fighting for the suppression of the sex case in our minds. I know revolutions sometimes need time. And little steps brought someone to the moon (how was that sentence? Anyway, was someone ever on the moon for real?). But steps should not be confused with goals: papers will never say who you really are, because we’re much bigger than a shit of paper.

You see, i’m angry. I told you i was angry.
Angry against normative society rules and angry against the “that’s how it is” crap. Angry against not only a cisgender supremacist system, but also about the fact that while fighting for trans rigths we may forget how classist and brainwashing the normative transitioning process is. Please, do not think i’m attacking individuals going on transition process. I’m attacking the such small transition process that society is allowing us. It is so small and restrictive that people, individuals, are struggling for it, fighting to get IN. I won’t say to anyone going through this that they’re not making enough. Instead, i will affirm that the transition process is not enough. It is a classist and discriminatory process. It is a process that may clean society bad conscience about all the violence trans people is living in every day life. It is a process that do not put bi-gender, cisgender system in danger, it only says “they’re two genders and the maximum you can do is going from one to the other”.
And on the way, from A gender to B gender, you’ll need money, you’ll need ressources, you’ll need to have the right papers to have access to the process. And of course, you need to want to do the A B or B A transition: this won’t work if you want to be X or move to Z.
Even if the transitioning process can be useful for certain individuals, it is dangerous for many others. Because it does not accept the possibilities that people feel and it’s not accessible for many trans folks, it creates the obligation to go illegal, and/or to put our lives at risk.
Just a quick remind that getting hormones from doctors instead of the internet is a privilege. Papers can only be changed when there are papers to change. Going from A B or B A is not the only way, there are still many other letters in the alphabet.

So please, do not stop transition here. Go further. Whether in the awareness or in the action. Because, whatever it happens, even if you get to do all your transition process successfully by the rules, you are part of the fight. Because for any person identifying as trans and for any trans ally, there is a fight that is happening now, that has happened before and that will continue to happen in the future.

Little steps brought someone to the moon. Your moon, my moon, our moon.
Steps should keep on being made. No matter how little they are, as long as they are.

CENNES NOIRES

Dans mon pot de coeur il ne reste que quelques cennes noires.
De petites et vieilles cennes noires, qui est tout ce que l’hiver m’a laissé dans le ventre.
Un hiver qui a emporté le reste : l’or, l’argent, les bijoux. Les sourires, la chaleur, la magie, les conversation avec un verre de vin quand on est tristes.

Des cennes noires. De petites miettes d’un pot si grand et autant rempli. Que je le croyais parfois débordant.

On nous apprend souvent à avoir peur de l’amour et des sentiment trop puissants : je me disais, ceci est dangereux, le pot va déborder. Qui est une manière comme une autre de dire j’ai besoin de toi mon amour. Pour vivre, pour respirer, pour faire le pas suivant dans ma balade dans cette ville.

Et je me demandais, moi qui regarde maintenant ces cennes noires, si cet amour était correct tellement il me débordait les yeux et les muscles. Et maintenant je me demande, moi qui craignais l’inondation, comment j’ai pu faire pour garder seulement quelques cennes noires de mon amour pour toi.

De petites et vieilles cennes noires.
De petites et collantes cennes noires qui se cachent dans nos fonds de sacs, dans nos trous de poches, dans la poussière des meubles qu’on ne bouge jamais.

Ces vieilles et banales cennes noires qu’on donne aux enfants et on ne regrette pas de perdre dans la rue. Ces cennes noires qui ne valent même pas l’énergie qu’on met à les ramasser sur le trottoir.
Ces cennes noires, persistantes, insistantes, oubliables, invisibles, incomptables.

Sur ma main. Dans mon cœur.

Comme le plus grand trésor que je n’ai jamais eu.

Les cennes noires dans les fonds les trous les poussières, qui apparaissent juste au moment où j’en ai vraiment besoin.
Comme le matin quand il n’y a plus de lait et je ne sais pas si j’aurais assez d’argent dans mes poches et que les cennes noires cachées se dévoilent dernière minute.
Comme les jours où je pleure et je les voie briller sur le trottoir et je me rappelle que ma mamie disait que les cennes noires portent bonheur. Et j’arrête de pleurer et je ne les ramasse pas, car il y a beaucoup d’autre gens qui ont besoin de bonheur.

J’ai rêvé que les cennes noires restaient des cennes noires pour me rappeler qu’un dollar n’est plus qu’un tas de cennes noires. Et que les billets s’en volent et se perdent, mais que les cennes noires restent et se trouvent.

J’ai rêvé d’une légende urbaine sur quelqu’un qui multipliait de poissons et des bagels. Si j’apprend ce tour de magie je pourrai moi aussi multiplier les cennes noires.

J’ai rêvé que les feuilles des érables étaient des cennes noires. Je les ramassais avec du sucre dans mes veines et on faisait fondre la neige avec la tire.

Je regarde par terre, mes yeux affamés de toi, à la recherche de petites vieilles pièces dont seulement les enfants de 5 ans et moi comprenons l’importance. Et je les vois briller sur le trottoir, au bord des tracks, sous les restes de neige.
Et sans jamais les ramasser, car il y a beaucoup d’autres gens qui en ont besoin, je peux te dire que je les ai retrouvées.
Des cennes noires de mon amour pour toi.

Dans ma main. Sur mon cœur.

texte et dessin dans Open Your Eyes And Make A Wish, by Riot Coco, may 2009

CALL ME NOW XXX

CALL ME NOW DRAWING in Open Your Eyes And Make A Wish, by Riot Coco, may 2009

I LOVE DRAWING #1 / J'AIME DESSINER # 1

my heart will stop if i put out the fire
as long as i’m burning
i’ll keep on yearning
to save the world
not sure how but i’m learning [...]
and let your emotions be fuel to your flame
being on fire will keep you awake

Kimya Dawson, Fire (in Hidden Vagenda, 2004)





some things i like drawing #1

matches: because they’re small and they may look insignificant, but...they’re wooden and so simple and indeed so efficient. How something so small can start a big fire? That’s how i see revolution and social change. Like matches. Like every action and every one of us being matches, and how fires starts from something that may seem small. And matches getting other matches starting in a brighter and warmer fire. Burning.


Quelques choses que j’aime dessiner #1:

allumettes: parce qu’elles sont petites et ont l’air insignifiant, mais...elles sont en bois et simples et tellement efficaces. Comment quelque chose de si petit peut commencer un grand feu? Les allumettes sont ma vision de(s) révolution(s) et du changement social. Comme des allumettes. Comme chaque action et chacun-e de nous étant des allumettes, et comment les feux s’allument grâce à des choses qui semblent si petites. Et les allumettes qui allument d’autres allumettes pour créer un feu encore plus brillant et chalereux. Brûlant.